X Factor - Queen Week - 14th and 15th November

So, after Cheryl claiming on Xtra Factor last week that tonight was going to be "Dance Week", we are in fact treated to "Queen Week" - a theme that, somewhat unsurprisingly, seems on paper to suit at least two of Simon's acts. But let's face it - are we really shocked by anything that happens in this show any more?

Tonight's song list:

After the judges' entrance to Flash (ah-AHHHHH!) we moved on quite quickly to the acts tonight. Well, quite quickly, after Simon had spoken about the countless news stories regarding last week's show. And discussed his views on the twins. And explained his decision to send last week's vote to Deadlock. And apologised to Lucie. And stated that he thought she had coped very well with it. And...

Ah yes, the acts. Was beginning to forget about them. First up tonight was Jamie (no surprise; with Simon having 3 acts left, it was obvious he would get both the starting and closing spots). A very different Jamie, who had obviously been at the Frizz-Ease, and looked a bit (OK, a lot) like Leo Sayer. His song choice was never going to show off his voice at its best - after all, Radio GaGa is hardly the most vocally demanding song in the world... Cheryl looked pained throughout the song, yet then claimed she liked it - tell your face that, love - while Louis (who my mum has inexplicably decided to nickname "The poison dwarf") described him as having "Big hair, small voice." Mind you, Louis isn't exactly the world's greatest authority on rock music...

Next up was Little Lloyd (that's just his name now, go with it...), who doesn't exactly seem like the most obvious choice to do well on Queen Week. Not Because of his voice. No, because he himself stated that he had "never really heard of [Queen]" Can we vote him out just for that, please?? Actually, his performance wasn't bad. Better than last week, but that wouldn't be hard. He moved around a bit, but imagine what Olly could have done with the same song! In my opinion it was reminiscent of Eoghan's performance of Never Forget last year - very good in the context of that contestant's other performances, but nothing special when watched as a stand-alone performance against those by others in the show. He could be in trouble this week. As Simon said, he's a bit like "a puppy running in the Grand National" (one to go in the Classic Cowell Quotes book!)

Olly was up next, and this was definitely the ultimate in "Marmite" performances. However, before we got to the song, we were faced with a VT showing Olly's nightmare week. He had broken his arm! Well, he was in a sling... but he hadn't really broken his arm. Just his hand. He had broken his hand! Well, it was in a splint... but really it was just a little bone under the knuckle of his little finger. You'd think he was in a full-body cast the way Brian Friedman was going on - all this hassle over a LITTLE FINGER!? See, this is why he could never be a judge... As for Olly's performance - it was OK but not his best. Dannii claimed he's the best performer in the show, but that's hardly difficult when your only real competition is Jedward!!

Joe was next, singing Somebody to Love. Big song! So: could it be..? Might it be... yep, it seems it's time to roll out the choir. Does anyone else wonder whether they keep them locked in a cupboard backstaqe all year? Joe was pretty good, missing a few notes but getting the money note spot-on. He'll be there til the final now. Louis had his little rulebook out again, insisting that using the choir was cheating (Oh shut up Louis! See, this is why he should never be a judge..!) However, the real insight of the night came from Cheryl - who reminded us that we have ears! Thanks for that!!

Next up were Jedward, who were told by Brian May that “[You] have something” A complete lack of any real singing ability? Or dancing ability? Or did he mean their unmatchable ability to sound like they're singing completely different songs at the same time? One thing can be said for them; they actually both seemed to be singing the same song this week! What a shame it was basically the Vanilla Ice version of the song and not the Queen version - WHERE'S THE FLIPPIN' RULEBOOK NOW!? This may in fact have been the twins' best performance yet - though there's definitely more than a hint of the PJ-and-Duncan-with-Vanilla-Ice-hair about them... Cheryl looked like she was in shock during their performance - at first I thought it was just her hair pulling her face up really really tight and so pulling up her eyebrows, but apparently it was because someone ran up on stage and mooned the judges. Like I said, does anything shock us any more?? The twins got cheers from the crowd for once, while Simon told them; “I can't judge you in the real world any more. I have to judge you in Jedward Land.” Yep, that sounds about right!

Stacey, Queen of Dagenham, was the penultimate act tonight (didn't I tell you Simon would claim the last spot) and made the joke in her VT that she was "under pressure" (no dear, that was Jedward's song, keep up!) She sang Who Wants to Live Forever? (Answer - Simon does!) and showed some much needed emotion which has been lacking from her previous performances. Louis wants people to vote for her - just as long as we don't vote for Simon's acts, he's happy. Simon said she was fantastic - just as long as we don't vote for Jedward, he's happy. Dannii made the comment that “We're not judging you in any other world” though, you have to admit, you could totally imagine what Stacey-land would be like (Oh my God!)

The final act tonight was Danyl (again) with We Are the Champions. Oh dear. Could there be a worse song for someone wanting to rebrand themselves with a humble image!? He pulled off a good vocal but not his best – though I think many members of the public would now die of shock if Danyl didn't get a standing ovation from Simon! Great judges' comments – Cheryl has really come round to him that last two weeks... since he got his hair cut and started looking like her husband... hmmmmm... So, another show done, and another 24-or-so hours or so of lining Mr Cowell's pockets before the votes are announced. Come over to The X Factor forum and let us know your views!

Results show: 15/11/09

It's time! To face! The music!

Don't you just love the voiceover guy!? He must be gutted that he no longer gets to say "Rachel Adedeji" every week...

Before I move on to talk about tonight's results show, I  just want to add a couple of thoughts that I forgot to include last night:

1) Can whoever has been attacking Jamie with the topiary scissors please stop? Jamie Corkscrew-Curls doesn't work quite so well as a nickname...

2) Can you imagine the press during the week if Olly had hit one of the twins when he missed the punching bag..?

Anyway, while you ponder over those, I'll move on to the show (almost as quickly as Simon did last night!  ) As anticipated all week, the remaining contestants were joined on stage by Queen for a performance of Bohemian Rhapsody. As also expected, they mimed (badly). However, I don't think anyone could have predicted just how little energy that song could be sung with. Even the twins stayed still! Maybe Brian Friedman is still getting over the stress of Olly's broken armwristhandfinger... Also, Brian May joined the ranks of celebrity guests coming across as simply confused when questioned by Dermot, stating that "The girl" (Stacey) is "very employable" (...no idea!)

Second guest performance of the night came from Shakira, who in my opinion gave a terrible performance of an even worse song... funnily enough I know quite a few guys who liked it though! There's not much more can be said for it really - it seemed her only reason for being there was to fill time, as the results show is seeming longer and longer each week...

Along with the Queen BoRhap performance, people had been looking forward to (and discussing) the first live (read: mimed. Badly.) performance of the charity single for Great Ormond Street Hospital - a cover version of Michael Jackson's "You Are Not Alone." Love them or hate them, please everyone go buy this single - it's for a great cause! Special mention to Stacey for the emotion she put into this song, and to Joe for some stunning vocals! Glad to see Simon let someone other than one of his acts take the opening and closing lines.

After yet another ad break, it was time for... the results! Funny that, in a results show! At least Dermot doesn't drag the results out like the presenters on some other shows - reasonably quickly we were informed that Joe, Danyl, Stacey, Olly and Jedward were safely through, leaving Jamie and Lloyd in the sing-off. Plenty of people had predicted this scenario earlier in the week, and could spy a Deadlock a mile off... but we still had to let them sing before the inevitable! Jamie went first with "The Show Must Go On" - pretty good, but he hit his peak a few weeks ago / in his audition (everyone seem to subscribe to one of these two views, so delete as appropriate!) Next up was Lloyd with Paolo Nutini's "Last Request", starting off flat but hitting his stride in the chorus, and giving one of his best performances to date. Obviously Cheryl voted to save him, as did Louis - hardly a surprise given his dislike of the "karaoke singer with big hair and a small voice." With the other two voting to save Jamie, we once again went Deadlock - do we really need a sing-off anymore? - and it was announced that Jamie would be going home. Simon looked a bit shocked but not really that bothered - he had obviously decided weeks ago that Jamie was his most unlikely chance of winning this year - and Jamie took it all in his stride and grinned whilst watching his VT, which included the now classic clip of Mr Cowell singing along to Sex on Fire...

At the time of typing I have no idea what the theme for next week is, but even if I did I wouldn't count on it staying the same til next Saturday! Rest assured though - it'll be something that suits Olly and Danyl. That much I can guarantee!

Until then though - did the right person go this week? Who do you want to win? And are you a Jedward fan!? (Join the club, we've got straitjackets!) Let us know on The X Factor forum.