Nicholas Soames

Nicholas and his grandad

Nicholas Soames was born on 12th February 1948. When he was five he was told his grandfather was the greatest man in all the world, so he went off to see him. His grandfather was in bed. Nicholas went into his room and squeaked: "Grandpapa. Is it true that you are the greatest man in all the world?"

"Yes it is" growled Churchill. "Now bugger off."

Nicholas and his girlfriend

When Nicholas was a little older he got himself a girlfriend. "What was it like having sex with him?" she was asked.

"Well," she said. "Imagine lying in bed when suddenly the wardrobe topples over and falls on top of you with the key still in the lock."

Mr Soames and politics

In August 2002, Nicholas Soames joined Lord Tebbit in attacking the leadership of the Conservative Party. Lord Tebbit said that "spotty youths, researchers, assistants and party apparatchiks" were undermining the leader and turning the party into a "pig in a poke".

Nicholas Soames, who supported Michael Portillo’s bid for the leadership, was scathing of attempts by the Mr Duncan Smith to recruit more women and ethnic minority candidates. "The Conservatives will not get anywhere until they end this mad obsession with gays, blacks and women and start behaving like a grown-up party," he told The Mail on Sunday.

On 10th November 2003, Nicholas Soames became shadow defence secretary following the appointment of Michael Howard as Conservative party leader.

On 9th May 2005 he resigned following the Conservatives' defeat in the general election.